Blossom the Cat Takes a Selfie

Blossom Takes a Selfie

When had it become necessary for a cat to perfect her toe skills? Blossom tried to think back, spreading her toes as wide as possible and then depressing one toe soundly on the side of Mrs. Hatcher’s cell phone. Blossom was not allowed to play with Mrs. H’s Android. Period. But then Mrs. H shouldn’t have left her phone sitting out on the kitchen table and taken off to Costco without it. Making room for herself, Blossom nudged the kitchen table’s pottery fruit bowl with her butt, scraping it across the table where it tipped slightly and sent three apples to the floor. Thud, thud, thud. Oops. Blossom watched the apples wobble off to different corners. She’d retrieve them later, she’d gotten really good at replacing fruit. Nobody ever even noticed her teeth marks.

She swiped her paw across the phone’s screen, watching colorful icons spring to life. According to Willow, Mrs. H was the only person in the whole world who didn’t password protect her phone. “Why do I need a password?” Mrs. H would say. Blossom grunted to herself. If Mrs. Hatcher only knew!

What would Blossom try today? She stared at the phone’s screen and decided on the little gray rectangular icon with the blue eye. It looked like Willow’s camera. Blossom stretched her practiced toes wide and depressed it. The screen went black. Well, what fun was that? With her paw, she nudged the phone away from her, shooshing it softly over the table until it touched the heavy fruit bowl. The bowl did not budge and so, as she continued pushing, the phone inched its way upright against the stoneware. Blossom felt a twizzle in her stomach as she repositioned herself to view the screen. The bottom edge of the bowl shown on it! She had found the phone’s camera! And, furthermore, taking a photo was No. 4 on Blossom’s bucket list!

Her fur stood on end, as if little ants were messaging out the dander. She was on the verge of achieving a goal! There were little prompts all around the edge of the screen. And what was that, up in the corner? It was another camera image with two arrows pointing in opposite directions. Bingo!

Blossom gave the little image another practiced toe depressing, expecting to hear a click! A brightly lit cat flashed out at her from the phone. She leaped backwards, heart racing. She stared at the screen, telling herself to relax. An ugly cat face glared at her. Wait a minute. Was that her? That button must have reversed the view.

She inched her mug closer. Was her nose really that big? She huffed. She thought about what Willow always said before shooting someone’s photo. Smile. Smiling was definitely not on Blossom’s bucket list but, Holy Hairballs, no one was looking. She opened her mouth wide, which actually hurt. So this is what it feels like to grin from ear to ear. Not something she’d do often but sometimes pain was necessary for ticking off a Bucket List item. Boy, she had to admit, she thought she was cuter than that. Holding her mug wide, she sat patiently while nothing happened.

Feeling a little letdown at this nothingness and the fact that her lips were getting very tired, Blossom pondered over another camera image, this one with no arrows. She gave the button a well practiced toe depressing. Click! Blossom did a little jump and then realized the phone didn’t really make a sound. But down in the corner of the screen, Flying Fishsticks, there was a little photo in a white frame! Another toe depressing to it and the photo filled the screen. Blossom tried to digest what she was observing. She’d always thought of herself as a handsome cat. Her photo smile was obscene. How many teeth were in her mouth anyway? She wouldn’t have guessed that many could fit in her head.

Photo taken, mission accomplished, Blossom sighed. Okay, No. 4 crossed off the bucket list. She’d better clean up the apple mess on the floor.  Except hold on.   Another row of symbols at the top of the little screen caught her eye. One was a trash can. Blossom knew all about trash cans. But what was this little bendy thing, kind of resembling bug antennae? Another toe depressing performed. A white screen popped up with more colorful symbols. Now this one was familiar, Willow always used it. Blossom, the camera pro, performed another toe depressing to the little blue square with a big white F in it. It paid off big time for a cat to study her master’s actions. She didn’t know how to spell but she added one little kitty emoji to the comment line.

Blossom felt giddy and almost powerful, and maybe a little sad. She wished she was pussy footing with Willow’s phone rather than Mrs. Hatcher’s. But then, Willow would never leave her phone unattended. Also, Mrs. Hatcher never checked her Facebook either so all was well on Tulip Drive. Blossom tried to imagine what Mrs. H’s friends would say when they saw Blossom glaring out at them from their own phones. Would they think, maybe a new baby? Everyone knew Mrs. H wouldn’t post a cat photo if someone offered her free kitty litter for life. Blossom grinned all on her own as she made one last toe depressing to Post.

Blossom the Cat’s Photo Op

Blossom Photo Op

How could Willow and her mother display such admiration for a stupid photo on the back cover of a magazine? A photo of two cats that weren’t even related. One brown and black, the other an orange tabby. Sleeping, legs wrapped around one another, snoozing on sheets with little elephants all over them.

Shot on iPhone 6,” Willow whispered, eyes growing two sizes bigger. “Mom, we could do our own iPhone photo and submit it to the World Gallery.” Willow’s eyes darted about the room, her crinkled brow trying to come up with some amazing subject for the World Gallery shot. Not one glance went Blossom’s way.

“The photo needs to be pretty special.” Mrs. H could always be counted on to throw a monkey wrench in the kibble.

But Blossom’s toes were a-tingle. Her ambitions could not be leashed. This was her Meow Moment. Brain ticking like an egg timer, she thought. What could she pose next to, pounce upon, sprawl across? What would be the perfect backdrop for the perfect photo op? The photo op with her in it? It was Blossom’s job to show her family how she was, paws-down, the best subject for the World Gallery.

And then it was as if the ceiling had lifted from the Hatcher’s family room, the sky showering it with fishsticks from Heaven. Ka-ching! Blossom’s eyes zeroed in on her family’s new 36 inch flat screen TV. The one Mr. Hatcher had just mounted to the wall. With the help of Mrs. H, and the next door neighbor, and the guy down the street who actually knew what he was doing.

Blossom’s head filled with images. Blossom draped across the flat screen’s top, poised and graceful as Cleopatra’s cat. She could do it. Yes she could! Her cat brain raced through the details.

Jumping almost to the ceiling? No problem! Top of the fridge was her specialty. All fours landing, balancing flawlessly atop the flat screen’s razor-thin edge? Now how many times had she straddled the kitchen trash can? Cat’s in the bag! Blossom’s whiskers quivered with confidence. Reclining along the flat screen’s top? Hello, she was an expert at lounging the length of Willow’s window ledge. The two had to be about the same width.

Blossom’s fur was afire. Yes, people from around the globe would see Blossom’s pic on the back cover of their magazines. Or who knew? Maybe they’d go out online to the World Gallery and find her there. She’d be famous. And she’d make absolutely sure more cuter than those two fur balls asleep on the elephant sheets.

Shot on iPhone 6 played through Blossom’s head as she launched off, her thoughts cut short by Mrs. H drawing breath quite harshly. And then Willow yelling, “Blossom, what are you doing?” The words screamed in Blossom’s head as she sailed up, over, and, oh dear. She looked down as she prepared for landing. That flat screen’s edge really was skinny!